a cold and broken Hallelujah
by beyond-the-twilight
Summary: "Maybe that's what made them one of the great love stories, because after all, all great love stories end with a tragedy" - Character death; Santana/Rachel relationship


**A/N: This was supposed to be Tina's chapter of _close the book, take my soul. _It was then supposed to be a Rachel/Puck oneshot. I have no idea where this came from. **

**Title comes from Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley. The song "I will follow you into the dark" is by Death Cab for Cutie. I do not own the songs, or Glee, or Rachel Berry, Santana Lopez, Brittany Pierce, Noah Puckerman or Finn Hudson. **

**Enjoy :)**

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* * *

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When she was younger, she dreamed of being a princess, just like the ones in her Disney movies. She loved the beautiful dresses and their pretty voices and the way the perfect prince rode in on his horse and saved the princess, before they lived happily ever after.

She thought that every girl got a prince and that every girl got their happily ever after, and even though she grew up and got other dreams, she never stopped waiting for her prince.

She should have learnt that nothing in her life was ever perfect. She should have learnt that every time something went right, something else would follow straight after, knocking her back to the ground until she struggled to get up.

So really, it makes perfect sense that finding her prince wasn't the end of her story. After all, happily ever afters don't really exist.

* * *

She was more surprised than anyone when her prince turned out to be a princess. She had always held out hope that Finn Hudson would don a cape and fill the role but when Santana Lopez stepped forward, a smirk on her face and a single rose in her hand, she realized that maybe she'd been looking in the wrong place all along.

They didn't ride off into the sunset together and Santana's kiss didn't wake her up from an enchanted, magical slumber, but it was better than a fairytale. Santana managed to regain her position as Quinn's second-in-command and almost overnight, the slushies stopped. She had an amazing girlfriend and the other kids in Glee were more willing to accept her now that Santana had calmed her down a little, and her life seemed better than anything she had ever dreamed of.

It makes sense that she never got to complete her fairytale.

* * *

When she first felt the small bump in her stomach, she thought she was just putting on a little weight. She cried herself to sleep; petrified that Santana would leave her, even though she already knew she and Santana were past that superficial stage.

When the bump didn't go away but got larger, she thought she was pregnant. It didn't make sense because the only person she'd ever slept with was a woman but it was the first assumption that entered her mind.

(When Santana felt the bump, her face paled and she ordered her girlfriend to go to a doctor).

* * *

Turns out that the lump wasn't a burger or just a little bit of extra weight that she was still carrying around from Christmas. Turns out that it's a highly dangerous type of cancer with an extremely low survival rate, especially because it took so long for her to consult her doctor about it.

Santana screams when she hears the news, says all kinds of mean, hurtful things, before throwing a vase at the wall and storming out the house.

Santana calls Brittany, who shows up within ten minutes, Quinn trailing behind her. The two blondes wrap their arms around Rachel and hug her, although they have no clue what's going on (Santana merely said they had a fight and Rachel needed comforting).

Rachel falls asleep on the floor with Quinn and Brittany's arms still wrapped around her but she feels more alone that she has in a long time.

* * *

Her oncologist says they need to start chemotherapy and radiation and she's terrified because Santana isn't there to hold her hand. Noah shows up and the large bags under his eyes inform her that the glee kids now know about her diagnosis.

Noah holds her hand and pulls back her hair while she vomits, and she's grateful that he's there but she's still so angry she can't see straight.

She needed Santana and she didn't show up.

* * *

The hospital gives her permission to leave after the first round of chemotherapy and her dad's drive her home, their eyes rimmed with red. They tuck her into bed even though she's seventeen years old and kiss her on the forehead before walking to their own room.

She's exhausted but she can't sleep, no matter how much she wants to, because Santana hasn't called and she can't sleep without hearing Santana's voice.

(It's 2am when her phone flashes _Santana_ and her heart jumps into her throat as she starts crying. The tears threaten to choke her when she realizes it's a drunken pocket dial but she stays on the line and listens to her girlfriend moaning another guy's name).

* * *

Finn and Brittany bring soup and make tea because that's what they do when people are sick, and she smiles because she just knows these two will end up together (Finn smiles wider when he's around the blonde and Brittany always reaches for his hand without realizing).

She's surprisingly okay with the fact that her ex-boyfriend is moving on. She always thought it would be difficult to see Finn with anyone else because he was the first boy she ever truly loved, but she was wrong.

She smiles because they're trying so hard to make her laugh and she adores the fact that they care enough to try, but she can't shake that pain in her chest because Santana hasn't called since _that night_.

* * *

She finds out she'll never be able to have children on a Tuesday. Her oncologist doesn't look her in the eye as he explains that the primary tumour has spread and to remove it, they have to remove almost everything that makes her a woman.

She thinks about it for all of a second before agreeing to the surgery. She's seventeen years old and she just wants to _live_. She can adopt or find a surrogate mother at a later date but right now, she needs to survive. She needs to get through this because this can't be her ending.

(This isn't the way fairytales are supposed to go).

* * *

They do the surgery and she wakes up groggy in a hospital bed. She hates hospitals – she hates the colour of the walls and the smell and the feeling it evokes in her chest.

They didn't manage to get the entire tumour but they've removed as much as they could and that's followed by a whole lot of large, scary words that she doesn't even recognize, let alone understand.

(It doesn't look good, based on the faces that are crowded around her bed).

* * *

It's one of her weak moments because she's completely alone (Brittany's in the cafeteria and Noah's on a date) and she hates the way her heart hurts more than anything else.

She places her hand on her stomach, on the lump that's grown to define her (Rachel Berry: the girl with cancer) and she remembers when she thought it was just a bit of extra weight. She's grown to hate the lump – grown to hate everything that it's taken from her – and she can't help but wish that it was a baby.

But it's there, while no one else is, and although it may be draining her of life and her dreams and everything else she ever valued, she isn't fully alone while it's there.

So she names it and then cries herself to sleep.

* * *

Santana walks back into her life on the day she's told that there's nothing more they can do for her. Her face is pale and her hair is greasy and unwashed and there are bags under her eyes but the Latina has never looked more beautiful because she's _here_.

There's tears and hugs and kisses on the hand and the cheek (anywhere but her lips, really), and she doesn't know how she functioned without Santana by her side.

Then Brittany walks into the room and the blonde's face settles into a scowl (something the bubbly girl has never done before) and Rachel remembers all the pain that Santana put her through.

She just wants the Latina to leave. Brittany does her dirty work with a harsh _"Fuck off Santana"._

(She wonders when Brittany stopped belonging to Santana and became _hers). _

_

* * *

_

It's no surprise when Brittany is the first one she turns to when the pain becomes too much. The blonde is her best friend and she doesn't dare to think about what she'd do without Brittany.

It makes sense that Brittany is the first one to learn about the incurable part of the disease; makes sense that Brittany is the first to know that she's going to _die. _

_(Slip away from the light, from the heat, from the steady beat of her heartbeat and the constant thrum of her dreams... _

_Slip into the dark, into the cold, into the empty and the quiet... _

_Slip into death...). _

_

* * *

_

Santana doesn't give up easily though so she comes back again and again and again, until Noah has to threaten her with bodily harm if she shows her face again. That's when Santana gets crafty and starts coming after visiting hours end and sneaking into her girlfriend's room, just to watch her sleep.

Rachel knows because she has a sixth sense when it comes to Santana (has ever since that day with the rose) so she wakes up on the third time Santana sneaks in.

"What are you doing here San?" she whispers

"You're my girlfriend and I love you and I'm not going anywhere", Santana replied, her eyes wide with confusion and her legendary smirk nowhere to be seen.

"You stopped being my girlfriend when you walked out of the door and never came back", Rachel hissed back before turning her back on the Latina and pretending to sleep.

(Santana doesn't leave and both girls pretend that she didn't spend the night crying).

* * *

She can feel death getting closer and closer and she wonders, briefly, what she did to deserve this. All she ever wanted was her happy ending.

She takes it out on Santana, who's always just there, and cries herself to sleep when she realizes what a mess her life has become.

She yells at Santana for leaving, for cheating on her, for not calling and for not holding her hand through it all. She yells at Santana for coming back, for saying she loved her, for not apologizing and for always being there.

She just yells at Santana all the time because she hates her ex-girlfriend for doing this to her but can't stop her heart from beating faster whenever she walks into a room.

* * *

"I loved you", she says one day. Santana's been there for three hours and she's only yelled at her once so it's been a good day.

"Rach..."

"I thought you were my princess. I thought that I was finally done... I thought that I'd found the person I'd spend the rest of my life with and I was done. I hate you for leaving me San, but I can't stop loving you"

"Rach..."

"Please, just leave. I can't do this anymore"

* * *

Santana doesn't show up for a few days and she hates that it makes her cry. Brittany tries to understand and Noah just scowls but neither of them knows what it's like to love someone so completely and to give yourself to them.

But Brittany's her best friend so she calls Santana and forces Noah to leave because she knows that Santana and Rachel need to fix things so that they can be _RachelandSantana _again.

"I hate you Santana Lopez"

"I love you"

"I don't understand why you're always here. I don't understand why you don't go back to that guy that you fucked in the bar or why you don't screw Noah again, because I'm obviously not good enough. I wasn't good enough to make you stay so I shouldn't be good enough to make you stay now"

Santana just looks at her, and her eyes say everything. _I was scared. I couldn't lose you. I can't lose you. I couldn't deal with it. I'm a coward and I fucking hate myself but I couldn't watch you die. _**I love you. **

"I'm broken Santana. I'll never be able to have children but that doesn't matter anyway because I'm going to die. I'm going to stop breathing and you'll be alone and I'm going to miss you so much because I love you – because you're my princess and there's so much more we have to do and I'm not going to be able to do any of it and I hate myself for that. I hate myself and I hate you and I hate this stupid cancer. I hate it all... I don't want to die Santana"

"I don't want you to die either"

* * *

The doctors say that they can make her comfortable and she's watched enough Grey's Anatomy to know that this means the end is approaching soon. She just wants to get out of this hospital and go on a date with Santana and watch movies with the rest of glee club. She wants one more solo and one more chance to shine in front of an audience.

She doesn't want to be that girl with cancer anymore.

So she packs her bags and Santana drives her home (Brittany and Finn lounge in the back seat of the car and try to hide the fact that they're holding hands) and she sleeps in her bed for the first time in months.

Santana sleeps on the floor (they're not perfect – not by a long shot – but they're _trying_).

* * *

Santana sings 'I will follow you into the dark' in glee rehearsal and it makes Rachel cry and run out of the room. Santana follows and kisses her on the lips for the first time in a long time, and Rachel feels _complete _for the first time in months.

They return to rehearsal and listen to every other member of glee dedicate a song to their captain (some of them can't even finish their song because of the tears running down their faces).

And then Rachel stands and sings, and the world stops turning because there's something magical about Rachel Berry when she sings.

(They don't know that it will be the last time they ever hear her).

* * *

It's a Thursday and she can't get out of bed. Santana and Brittany skip school and stay by her side all day, watching movies and holding back her hair whenever she feels like she's going to throw up.

Santana refuses to believe that this is the end and Brittany hides the tears in her eyes but Rachel knows.

_This is it. _

_

* * *

_

The Glee kids skip practice on that Thursday and come to see her. They crowd around her bed, trying not to nudge Santana or Brittany, who are both sitting on the bed.

Kurt brings his makeover kit so that he and Mercedes can make her look beautiful ("not that she isn't already", Kurt's quick to add when he notices Santana's glare) and Finn brings his play station in case Rachel wants to learn how to play (she doesn't, but laughs when Noah and Finn start yelling at each other while playing).

Artie brought cookies and Tina brought a sharpie marker to give Rachel a fake tattoo (the little black star and the music note are never washed off of her wrist) and Quinn told "spooky" stories that really just made everyone laugh.

They stay for hours and when they all decide it's time to leave, they traipse out one by one, after giving Rachel hugs and kisses.

(Only Santana stays).

* * *

She thinks it says a lot, really, that Santana is the one there on that night. Even though there's a part of her that wants to hate the Latina, there's a larger part of her that's head over heels in love with her.

She may still be sleeping on the floor but she looks at the brunette with love and admiration in her eyes. It's the fear, hidden behind the love, which makes Rachel forgive her girlfriend.

She's terrified but maybe it's going to be okay because Santana's here, and she's always got what she wanted. If Santana's here, she _can't _die. It's just a physical impossibility.

(She's wrong though).

* * *

She walks into the light because it looks so much like a spotlight shining on a stage. It sounds like applause (like people screaming her name as she finishes a performance, her show smile large and bright) and Brittany (rambling about ducks during chemotherapy to take her best friends mind of things) and Santana (whispering her name during the night, just to make sure she's still there).

Maybe she didn't get her fairytale ending but she got _Santana, _and that seems so much better. Maybe they got ripped off and maybe they should have had more time together, but at least she met the love of her life. At least she got to hold Santana's hand, at least for a little while, or feel her lips pressed against her skin.

Maybe she didn't get her happily-ever-after but her reality (with Finn and Noah and Brittany and _Santana_) was breathtaking.

* * *

Santana wakes up on Friday morning and the first thing she thinks is thank god it's Friday. That means no more school for the next couple of days, and endless hours with Rachel.

Then she freaks out because Rachel isn't moving, and Rachel isn't breathing and she looks _too _still. She screams which causes Rachel's dad's to come running (both of them glaring at her because they still haven't forgiven her for hurting their daughter). They start crying as soon as they look at their daughter and she just knows that Rachel's gone.

And the last thought she has as she sneaks out of Rachel's room, never to return, is that life _fucking sucks. _

_

* * *

_

Brittany's put on suicide patrol after Rachel's death because she remembers Santana's song in Glee (_"love of mine/someday you will die/but i'll be close behind; i will follow you, into the dark). _

She breaks up with Finn because she's lost one of her best friends and her other best friend is falling apart and she can't lose Finn too. She just _can't. _She's not strong enough to cope with that too.

Rachel took everything with her.

* * *

There's a funeral and there's speeches from everyone that mattered to Rachel. Somehow though, Santana's speech is the one that stands out, mainly because of her complete and utter breakdown.

"_I suppose I could say that it's a terribly bad thing that Rachel died. I suppose it's true. It is a terribly bad thing that Rachel died, but the world doesn't stop turning. __I woke up on that Friday morning to find out that my girlfriend had died. My heart kept beating though, and the world kept turning. There were floods and other deaths and other terribly bad things that happened all over the world. Rachel died but my heart kept beating. _

_I don't understand a lot of things. I don't understand why Rachel thought animal sweaters were cute and I don't understand why she thought Finn was going to be her happily ever after. I don't understand why she gave me a chance and I don't understand why I messed it up. Mainly though, I don't understand why she died. I don't understand why someone with so many dreams had to die. I'll never understand why she died, and I'll never understand why the world is still turning. It just doesn't make sense._

_You see, I had an engagement ring in my top drawer at home and I was going to propose as soon as we finished high school. I was going to spend the rest of my life with her. She's the love of my life and we were supposed to be together forever and now she's dead. We're about to put her body in the ground and throw rose petals over it, and we're supposed to cry and move on and be happy because that's what Rachel would have wanted. It's all a lie though because what Rachel wanted more than anything was to be alive. She's _supposed _to be alive. It's not supposed to be her in that coffin, and I don't understand how we're supposed to smile and move on with our lives. I don't know how we're supposed to get out of bed in the morning without wanting to throw up because she's dead. _

_I'm Santana Lopez and I don't understand a lot of things. I don't understand how people can stand there and tell me they're sorry for my loss. I didn't fucking lose Rachel. I didn't misplace her or just forget where we agreed to meet up in the shopping centre. She's dead and I don't know how I'm supposed to smile and laugh and sing and fall in love again. _

_I suppose I could say that it's a terribly bad thing that Rachel died. It's true. It is a terribly bad thing that Rachel died, but what's worse is that the world is still turning. What's worse is the fact that she left us behind; the fact that she left _me. _She's my forever and she's gone. _

By this time, Puck had walked up to the stage and gently pulled the hysterical Latina into his arms, gently stroking her hair as she completely fell apart.

* * *

Maybe Rachel Berry was satisfied and happy when she died because although she hadn't had a happy ending, she still found the love of her life.

But Santana Lopez wasn't happy. You see, love is stronger than death. Even if love cannot stop death from reaching in and snatching people, it is still stronger. Even when death claims its victims, it cannot defeat love, because love remains, even when those they love are gone. Santana was stuck, head over heels in love with a girl who was gone.

Maybe that's what made them one of the great love stories, because after all, all good love stories end with a tragedy.

* * *

**A/N #2: What do you think?**


End file.
